Resignation Baby!

*Today’s topic is ‘My resignation’*

Enjoy (or don’t.. I don’t care. I’m happy!!)

Have you ever had a dream come true? I have!!

As I write this article, I am as elated as the heavens. Honestly, it’s a wonder I can speak coreesct English. I’ll tell you exactly what happened.

Have you ever had someone who you just weren’t sure how they felt about you? I have. Or well… I had. There’s this girl I’m insanely in love with. And I know what you’re thinking. *The kingdom of darkness has clouded his mind. It’s merely the lust of the eyes and of the flesh.* I know you’re thinking like that. But I swear, I love her.

She’s amazing. This is shameful to say, but I wish I could locked her up somewhere so that no other boy, man or even woman would see her for fear that they’ll realize she’s not one of us mortals. In my great excitement, let me blow grammar; I feel very serendipiticious.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying she’s perfect. When she laughs, it sounds like she’s crying, she has awkwardly large feet and she sometimes sleeps in public transport. But in all of that, I love her.

I’ve tried to tell her. Okay, no, I haven’t. Or have I? You know how I asked if you’ve had a dream come true? I’ve dreamt so much about telling her that I no longer know if I actually have plus I talk to her a lot, so I don’t even know again.

Anyway, the real story started this week.

So, on Monday, she messaged me. ‘Hey, have you seen Half of a Yellow Sun’. Instinctively, I wanted to say ‘No, but I’ve seen a yellow sun – you. Even though you’re not light skinned. You do that to my brain and my sight.’ Anyway, I replied, ‘Nah… haven’t even read the book. Why?’ She said ‘I want to. Are you free on Wednesday?’

I almost did a back-flip. Even if I had a meeting with the president on Wednesday, would I say no? No. I quickly went online and searched for the latest time the movie was showing. Then, I replied ‘Sure. Heard the movie is really nice sef. I have something by 4. But I’ll be free before 7:30. What time is the movie?’ She replied, ‘Oh. I wanted to see the one at 4. There’s another one by 8:15 though. But if it’ll be stressful for you, we can cancel. I’ll just go on my own’. Ehnnn… Satan is a liar from the pit of hellfire. I replied ‘Na you considerate pass… I’m sure I’ll be done waaay before then. I’ll pick you up at 7:45’.

Tuesday was so slow.

On Wednesday morning, I woke up with music on my lips. Precisely ‘Best day of my life’ by American Authors. That wasn’t the first time I was seeing a movie with her but I had a good feeling about this one. Plus she asked me. She’s never.

Fast forward to the movie itself. It was pretty normal. But I got a feeling off her. A good and happy kind of vibe. By the way, if you’re reading this article, anticipating that I got disappointed, you would be disappointed because as I said earlier, my dream came true. This is a happy story.

After the movie, we got into the cab and journeyed back to school. She was quiet. She had been quite chatty while we saw the movie, pointing out ‘Olanna’s weirdly thin eyebrows’ and how ‘In the book, Ugwu is not as good a boy as they present him to be in the movie. I mean, there’s a lot of weird stuff they excluded’. She even screamed and clutched my arm when Olanna stood in front of the mirror and punched her stomach. She was the only one that did in the whole cinema hall. I had no idea why.

But on the ride back, she was quiet. I was a little worried. Okay, not a little. I was very worried. Had I done anything wrong? She turned her head towards the open window so I worried whether I had body odour. There was only one way to find out.

I adjusted and moved very near to her. Then I quietly said ‘A thousand naira for your thoughts’. She turned, faced me and smiled ‘How about this? I give you a thousand naira if you guess my thoughts correctly’.

Now, I swear to God who made me, something possessed me. Because me, ordinary me, Tobi, I could not have done what I did. The thing that possessed me suddenly leaned in and kissed her. At first, I thought she noticed that I had become possessed by a lustful devil but then she kissed back. And voila, we kissed.

Thankfully or unthankfully, it was at that point we got to the front of her hostel. She got down, shut the door and told me ‘thank you for the movie’. I was sweating in my armpit… and everywhere. I had no idea if she was angry or not. I was almost crying. Although I wasn’t sure if the tears were tears of joy or shame.

Just when I started contemplating drinking harpic, she slipped her hand into her purse, dropped something on my lap through the window, and walked away. Lo and behold brethren, it was a thousand naira note. As in, N1,000.

Collecting money from a girl has never made me feel more speechlessly joyous.

And with this article, brethren, I tender my resignation from the hood of bachelors. Popularly known as Bachelorhood.

Thank you.

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