Because She’s Nigerian

For polythene bags, she would say ‘rubber’

For plastic containers, she would still say ‘rubber’

But for rubber bands, she would mutter ‘band’

She would shout ‘As in!!!’ when you say what exactly she’s thinking. 

And say ‘Like what?’ when she needs you to explain a concept. 

Why would she say ‘I’m really surprised’ when she can say ‘I’m flabbergasted’?

And why would she say ‘Tunde hurt me’ when she can say ‘Ah, Tunde showed me pepper’ 

She would remove every subtlness in her statements by simply putting ‘o’ behind them. 

She would tap you to the rhythm of her gist and beat her children to the rhythm of her verbal corrections.

When she says ‘Let me just tell you now‘, do not anticipate any knowledge-inspiring information, instead, take note of what she brazenly believes will happen if you do or as you have done something unpleasant. 

When she calls your name and adds ‘or whatever you’re called’ OR ‘or whatever you call yourself’,  brace yourself for some demeaning tongue lashing.

She would avoid pronouncing ‘affidavit’ but when she has to, she’ll either say ‘affidavid’ or ‘avidavi’

‘Corruption’ as a noun, only belongs to ‘Politician’ as a noun. Let’s find other words to express the spoilage of other things. 

Why should she say ‘fooled’ when she has been  ‘bamboozled’?

Why should she say ‘famous’ when she can say ‘renowned’?

And trust me, she would never join you to say ‘gay’ when she means ‘happy’

And maybe ‘jagajaga’ is some variation of ‘zig zag’?

Oh yeah, don’t let her say you’re ‘perambulating’ because what she truly means is that you’re a jobless hobo with no vision for your life. 

And a ‘scheme’ or a ‘plot’ to her always sound sinister. Just stick with ‘plan’ or ‘arrangement’

‘Ghastly’ is also only a form of ‘motor accident’

Also, to her, when you ‘utter’, you’re saying ‘nonsense’ but when you ‘inform’, you’re most likely making sense.

When she says, ‘do and (*insert any verb*)’ , then she’s letting you know that she’s getting impatient.

Axe? Ask? Well, aks your mommy… 

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