Please, Shift

Veronica always surprises me. Never failing. Her bio on every social media platform reads, ‘I’m the Muhammed Ali of food paradigm shift. You can’t take my place, I don’t run shifts. If you don’t understand me, please shift’

(Yes, I know.)

I’m just going to dedicate this post to a number of things she has advocated for in her lifetime:

  1. Anti-Ice Cream Dates: According to her, couples who lick ice cream together are the ‘deadest’. She went on this attention-endearing Twitter bants saying that African couples who leave their respective houses and go to a creamery to simple eat ice cream together are the worst kind of couples. Her points were that Ice cream is an invention of the former colonialists and that the desire to take ice cream could not possibly be innate in African children. Her focus really was on African couples who were born and raised in their home countries. She said that ‘couples should be real with themselves. If you people still lick expensive ice cream and fake laugh over the rumbling in your stomachs, you have not started’
  2. The relationship between Jollof and Plantain is underrated: This was an IG post that escalated into a nightmare. She had taken a picture of her plate of Jollof and plantain, posted it and captioned it ‘#CoupleGoals’. A number of people commented and said that she had ‘come again’ with her ‘attention seeking weirdness’ while some went ahead to ask her, ‘Please, who Jollof and Plantain don epp?’ When I read her reply, I imagined her shaking her head and wondering how foolish, people were. She wrote, ‘I posted this picture and went to sleep but indeed while men slept, idiots crept into their comment space. First, this is my IG page and if you don’t like what I post then I suggest you unfollow me. Second, for those of you saying I am seeking attention, at least you know me, I can’t even be bothered to look at your ratchet account and burn my eyes with your acidulous pictures. Third, for the ignoramuses among you who don’t understand how even Bey and Jay have nothing on J.Rice and Plantain, well I must educate you. Jollof Rice would not go anywhere (not even down your throat) if its bae ‘Plantain’ does not follow it. Jollof Rice cannot manifest its true essence without an assistance from plantain. Those two are great on their own but perfect together. Oh, and by the way, #WhoYourMumuDonHelp????’
  3. Pastries and Chocolate on Valentine’s Day: First, she made all her followers on Twitter know that she does not believe in Valentine’s Day because, ‘Why don’t we celebrate Oshun, the Yoruba goddess of Love or Ani the Igbo version, instead???’ She however went ahead to challenge women who receive Pastries or Chocolates from their man friends, to break up immediately with them. According to her, ‘If your boyfriend gives you pastries or chocolates on Val’s day, he has a bandwagon mentality. Ehehn? Why can’t he give you a G-Wagon instead? #SayYesToGWagonMentality’.
  4. Moin-Moin, Akara and Beans: According to her, all Africans are beans when we are born. But some people wash their black skins with bleaching soaps and creams that they become moin-moins. While other suffer and fry so much under this sun of hardship and become ugly and displeasing to the eyes like Akara. Her advice to all Africans was to remain the beans that they are. And her hashtag was #IStayAHumanBean (Tweet with your baby picture + present picture to show the world that you neither bleached nor fried)

Veronica cracks me up!

 

 

 

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