You know how you get on the eve of your birthday? When you’re excited but you’re trying not to show so much that you are? When you keep thinking, ‘would there be any surprises hidden for me on this particular birthday?’
That’s how I feel.
It’s December and it’s just one month to when I’m due to give birth. December is thankfully busy with activities so there is a lot for me to think on as well. But to be honest, nothing can stand on the same thought level as my thoughts of Iyanu; not any Christmas promo, not any awesome Christmas song cover; not the happy faces everywhere; not the colourful decorations; not the gruesome news of accidents and death; not the large numbers of young faces I see everywhere I go; not the long holiday; not the outings; not the parties… Nothing.
Sometimes, I just begin to have heart palpitations when I go out and see a mother carrying her little baby. How is it possible that this little conception, who I had no idea she had begun to form in me the day she began to exist, would grow into a swaddle of concrete reality. How?
I do not think I have faced fear as great as December has presented to me. All my fears increase but I’m grateful for this monthly journal I have been writing. I go back to my entries and see stuff like, ‘everything is going to be alright’, ‘I will be a great mom’. And I don’t fear any more.
One day, Iyanu and I would try to remember these moments and all we’d be able to give would be sketches. Our hearts wouldn’t squeeze our chests like they do now. Our palms won’t go wet like they do now. We would laugh because we couldn’t possibly have imagined how far and how well we’d go.
I am finding comfort in prayer and in praise. When I feel like I don’t want to get up from my bed, I just switch to prayer. Sometimes I sleep off praying, but other times, I actually talk to God and come out feeling so refreshed. It’s a mystery I cannot quite explain.
This is really happening.
N.B. When I write my entry in January, I will write that I have given birth!!!
Wow. (I have attached above some of the things I bought for her)