We used to be best pals before; me and my strength. I would wake up in the morning and I didn’t even need to tell it – it would already be coursing through my mental, physical body, gearing me up for the day.
If I wanted to resist eating something I realized I was getting addicted to, I’d just tell my strength to get it out of the way for me and it’d be gone; I’d walk right past it and wouldn’t even think about it.
If I wanted to juggle an inumerable number of activities at once, I’d just wink to my strength and it’ll wink back as if to say, ‘I got you, baby’
Energy drinks didn’t make sense to me, neither did the concept of ‘drawing strength from above or from another’. I never criticized or mocked those who drank energy drinks or drew their strengths from external sources, but I just could not relate with them. I thought, ‘what a pity’.
But time went by and soon everyday, in itself, was a struggle. It didn’t come suddenly, but I didn’t notice when it crept in either. I just realized that I’d wake up struggling and go to bed struggling too.
I realized that I’d call out for my strength and my strength would respond like weakness. There were no more prompt replies, no more ‘I got you, baby’, no more ‘let’s do this!’ I would instead hear stuff like, ‘Let’s just rest’ or ‘We can do this later‘ or ‘Do you really think we can do this?‘
I had built up my mental, emotional, financial, relationship-al, physical and even spiritual brainwaves to desire really high frequencies. So while I’d want to achieve amazing wonders, my strength was never enough.
‘My strength couldn’t match my wants anymore’
And then it got worse. My strength became absent at times. It chose when it wanted to be useful and when it wanted not to be used. If I desired so bad to abstain from a certain sin, I’d beckon on my strength to help me. If my strength chose that day to take a vacation, then I could only go as far as ‘desiring’, I could NEVER find myself attaining, and so, I’d definitely sin that sin… Against every fiber of desire in my body.
There were days when my strength was rationed such that it became so unreliable. It’d say, ‘I decided not to be totally absent today. But I can only be present for 10 minutes; or for so-and-so activity.’ So if I chose to read 2 courses that day for 2 hours each, I’d find myself sleeping off regardless of whether angels are screaming down at me to get up and keep reading.
And then it became even worse!
My strength became weakness. It was like an old man who had repented from his truancy and was seeking employment from a place where he had resigned. The company wants to take him back but there’s really nothing he can do for them.
My strength was available for me, but it was utterly useless. Some days, me and my strength, we’d just sit and stare at my responsibilities, at my dreams and visions, at my vows and covenants, at my oaths and promises, and we’d just sigh. We would sigh because we knew we just couldn’t… The world was moving fast and we couldn’t join it.
One day, my strength said to me, ‘I want to help you so bad, but I cannot. I am like an onion bulb; I may look like a lot, but one day all my layers would finish and there would be nothingness. This is the end. I can go no further than this. And now my watch has ended’
‘And now your watch has ended‘ I replied absentmindedly.
As my strength turned around to leave, it stopped and said, ‘I have spoken to other strengths and I may have a little going-away something for you. It is said in the world of strengths that a wise man is he who learns to manage the strength apportioned to him, a wiser man is he who after his strength ends, holds on to a strength that is higher than his; the strength of the One who provided his strength. And yet, the wisest man is he who before he even acknowledges that he has any strength, already holds on to that Higher Strength.’
He turned his back to me and walked away dragging his feet, ‘I do not suppose it is hard for you to be the wisest man. After all, you truly have no strength anymore’ he said.