It’s incredible how I can both be tough and not tough
Like boiled egg? Hard on the outside, soft on the inside?
No, not really. More like Mango – occasionally soft, occasionally hard.
It confuses me, walahi.
Like that time in Secondary school when I was told that my seat mate died.
We weren’t best friends but we had our moments.
My whole class was weeping; crying; mourning.
And there I was, looking at them, feeling nothing but pity for the family of the girl.
I was not sorrowful. I figured she was dead and gone. Why cry over someone who doesn’t need your tears?
Everyone said I was a super cold person.
I nodded and said, ‘I’m super rational is all.’
But then the very next week, I watched a lizard get electrocuted by the boys in my class.
And I bent my head and wept to the soundtrack of the laughing boys.
I just don’t get it.
Yet another time, my boyfriend broke up with me.
I probably loved him more than I loved myself at that time.
But when he said those meant-to-be hurtful words,
I searched for pain and I couldn’t find it.
I tried to listen to sad songs but they just made me bored.
I simply carried on with life and I really wasn’t pretending about my emotional state.
But then the week before, I had gotten so emotional when my call was put on ‘waiting’ the two times I called him
And I had wept like a child when he did not call or text me that night.
I really don’t get it.
I pity people who try to get to know me
Because I’m still trying to know me
And there’s only one thing I can assure both of us –
We’ll always be in for a rude shock.