I was going through all the things I thought I lost when I moved away. And in the process, I realized that I am even more careful than I give myself credit for, for things I thought I had lost, had only been tucked away safely.
So I was coughing and going through all my old stuff. Tears were in my eyes because of all that dust. I didn’t even know dust could bring tears. Or maybe old stuff bring tears. I don’t know. But tears were in my eyes.
Old stuff bring memories too. And memories slow you down. You should clear up, clean up and go do other chores, but when you stumble upon memories, you sit down and think.
Say for instance, you see an old picture of yourself. First you cringe and think, ‘Damn, whose idea was it to wear that top on that trouser, didn’t I have better clothing?’ Then you think ‘Wait a second, where is that top?’ Then while studying the top, you see a necklace or earrings or something else that makes you smile; but in a sad kind of way. So you sit down and think.
Anyway, I don’t even know what I was looking for, sorting through all the things I thought I had lost but I really only had just put away. But I found some interesting things.
For instance, I was just finding out that I had actually stored a big drum of care in my storage place. It was so much! I had spent all my care in my new life and I was a little relieved that I was poor in care, because caring is stressful. But now, I have a whole drum of care that is calling out to be spent. And it hurts because, although it’s so stressful, somewhere inside me I want to care badly. So I know I will end up spending all that care.
There were so many other things that hurt me while I was looking through my old stuff.
Some of the things made me want to punch myself for not taking them along when I moved. I needed them in my new life so badly. For instance, my smart mouth. I also saw a gift certificate that guaranteed me some more space in my heart to accommodate people and issues, but I had left that one behind.
Some other discoveries made me happy that I had left them in storage, but then immediately made me sad that leaving them behind, which I thought would be good for my new life, hadn’t even helped me one bit.
For instance, I left behind issues and issues of one of my favorite magazines ‘Trust’; fondly called Trust Issues. I left them behind because I thought they made me paranoid (there’s an awful lot of detective and betrayal features in that magazine). But not taking them along with me made me the far opposite of paranoid – I began to expect too much good from others as opposed to expecting too less like the Trust Issues would have made me do.
Other things I left behind made me mad because they were still as useless as I left behind; I wasn’t going to need them and they were taking up space in my storage. For instance, pictures and memories of people I didn’t even care about anymore, random memories of events I’d rather not remember; like me jumping up and down on a bed and breaking its frame and hurting my back.
As I walked out of this storage unit, my eyes caught something small at the far end of the room – solo. Curious and giving in to curiosity, I walked over to it and picked it up. At first I didn’t recognize it, but the more I looked the more I saw that it was just a piece of my heart. I smiled because I remembered how this piece got there. It was the first time I mishandled my heart and it sort of broke. I was playing ‘throw and catch’ with someone I barely knew and then we lost sync and it dropped. It was nothing huge, just a little slip. It was just that little piece that got detached. But God! It had hurt so badly. I had intended to take it along with me to my new life so I’d always remember the gravity of being careless with my heart.
But I was so excited to get out of the door that time, that I left it behind. I shuffled it around my fingers and smiled for a while, then I put it in my pocket; among the other pieces.
I have some arts and crafts kind of work cut out for me in putting the pieces back together again. I’m clumsy at arts and craft so it might not be perfect but I am happy it is going to be whole again.