LOL! I was looking through my old mails and I stumbled upon this letter I had written on behalf of my friend, to her boyfriend in 2015. I was a self-proclaimed expert romantic-letter-writer and was, based on that, contracted to help wish her boyfriend ‘Happy Birthday.’ (I have excluded names and other information that may give clues about said couple). Enjoy!
___ July 2015
Dear Mr ____,
It’s 12:02am on Saturday morning. And no, I did not turn up last night. I worked. And so I am rather on the thin divide between sleep and awake-ness. This is the final work I have to deliver to my client and so I would just be very very very honest and frank and straight-to-the point in carrying out my duties.
I already apologize in advance for I would not sugar-coat my words.
That said, hope you’re doing very well sire.
I was personally very excited in receiving this job because you’re the perfect person I would like to write to. I have known you for a while now and I must say that my excitement in randomly bumping into you in the school known as the University of Lagos, only increases with every meeting. You always have a ‘heheheh’ way of laughing at my jokes such that I know that although the jokes are not funny, I am always welcome to crack some more terrible jokes with you. So, thank you Mr ____.
I would really love to go on and on about how much I like to randomly meet you on the streets (as if I don’t have enough ‘stalk-much’ lawsuits on my head), but I have to get to the real business of this letter sir.
I was passionately ordered by a certain lady known as Miss ____ to write this letter to you. It is my belief that this fair (but dark-skinned) lady wanted me to relay some messages to you. I have known Miss ____ for quite some time now and I must tell you that I have always admired your relationship with her from afar; for its tenacity most especially.
So sir, sit back as I relay her messages to you.
- She says that she likes you…. Like a lot. Ever seen a dry foam suck up water? She likes you like the dry foam likes water. Except you’re not even just water. You’re like ribena. Cool Ribena on a bloody hot day. Something like that. Or for the sophisticated alcoholics, you’re Kagor wine. Or for the normal alcoholics, you’re probably Star. And for the other people, you’re Orijin. Sir, I have obviously digressed. I apologize. It must be the sleep. I’ll be more direct henceforth.
- She says she’s always happier around you. Like if you were a neck; just a neck (sir, please just follow me). If you were a neck, she’d be a diamond necklace that would begin to suddenly glitter once it goes around this neck. And that diamond necklace would be programmed to only be sensitive to that neck; that you are.
- She says that even though you have countless issues, she would rather endure your issues than anyone else’s. Two things I noted from this point. One, I think Miss ____ is the most amazing woman in the world, because what other woman would stick to a man with countless children??? I have never met such a woman. And two, I think you’re also the most amazing man in the world because which man would stick to just one woman and be so faithful despite the fact that he has countless children? You both are an enigma.
- She says that you have set a high standard for her. And that now, anyone who says he loves her would have to really impress her like you do. (That’s so sweet)
- She likes the way you tell her she’s beautiful most especially when she’s not wearing any make up; for with that gesture, you show to her that there’s nothing to be made-up for in her.
- She says since you both are in the business of telling the truth, she may as well lay it bare that ___ years is sorta like an humongous deal. Some marriages don’t even last this long (Ask Kim K bruh…) And so she says that while she’s enjoying everyday of these years with you, she’s a little bit scared….
- She raises a brow and says ‘You endearingly call me ‘Orobo mi’ and yet you hate it when I eat fatty foods. Pick a side please, you’re confusing my brain’
- She says she likes the smile you give when you’re impressed with something she’s done.
- She likes it when you’re always happy. She never (ever ever ever) wants you to be sad or depressed. She hates it when you’re sad or depressed. Please don’t ever be sad or depressed. Thank you.
- She says she likes your way of trying to have good personal relationships with everyone you come across and how you always want to touch lives positively. She thinks you’re fantastic for this, but she does not un-sight those girls that misinterpret this loving gesture of yours. ‘*tsk*’, she sighs, ‘Babes, you ain’t a legit side chick just because my man asked you how your day went or what your 10year goals are. He just magnanimous or whats-that-word, like that. So I got my eyes on you. Watch your back.‘ *she hisses like a snake*
- And she says ‘Oh baby, your voice is so sexy over the phone’
- She said to fix somewhere in here, that you’s a goat. But I’m not going to do that sir.
That’s about all for now.
Writer’s Comment: You both are about the best couple I’ve worked with. I would be willing to tell your story to the world. Tips on how to stay with each other even when the butterflies grow old and die OR tips on how to keep feeding the butterflies special food so they only get better and birth other ‘whats-the-word-for-baby-butterlies-‘.
Happy birthday sire.
God bless you.
At your service always.
I’m still laughing at this. Sometimes, I feel like I can make this sort of thing my career and do it everyday.
By the way, it’s never too late or too early to send in your Valentine’s messages to your lovers.
And it’s never too weird to contract me to help you.
I’m obviously romantic.