Always Fallen; I Have

We often don’t look to our pasts to tell our future; the past is old knowledge, we think, it is not needed for tomorrow. 

But looking now, I see that I have always fallen for you. 

The first time was in Primary 2; when we played police and thief. I saw you running so fast and already looking so frustrated vecause you were unable to catch up with me. I fell purposely for you and even lay there on the floor until you caught up with me, flung yourself on me and said, ‘You’re under arrest!’

I also remember that time in secondary school when you were so hungry because the dining hall lunch of Eba and Okro soup did not do any justice to your stomach. I threw myself on the ground for you and scrapped my knee against the hard pavement so that blood gushed out. You rushed me to medical center where I told them I couldn’t use my medicine because I hadn’t eaten. I remember watching you savor every swallow of okro and Eba.

I remember in our first year in the university when we had to deal, for the first time, with being in separate states for the country. I would spend my extra time and money talking to you in the phone and chatting with you. And when you would come back to Lagos, I would drop everything and spend my time with you. At the end of the second semester, my father looked at my result and said, ‘What is this? You’re dropping o. What kind of result is it? You are falling!’ 

And I also remember the time I knew I had fallen for you. But I won’t write that here. 
And now? I am sinning. I have visited three abortion clinics for you (not on evangelism). I have lied and cheated to make you happy. I have done unspeakable things… For you. Indeed I am falling short of standards… For you. 

And I can hear the echoing of my voice as I go down the bottomless pit.

And while it looks like I am falling of my own volition, I reckon that you’re the hands that keep pushing me.