Do You Like The Person You’ve Become?

I ask you this question in writing because I could not talk to you when I saw you we saw yesterday. Heck, I could barely even look at you.

You, on the other hand, were bold enough to look at me. It felt like you were looking right into my pores; into my soul. How did you even think you had the right to look at me? Is it not you who has refused to pick my calls for the past 7 months? Is it not you, Jamil, who has gone around telling people things with that your leaking mouth? Is it not you that has been tweeting with your deformed fingers, stupid subliminal messages for me and at the same time behaving as if we never existed?  I don’t understand you Jamil.

Anyway, that’s not why I’m even writing. I’m writing because I wish to ask you a very important question: Do you like this person that you’ve turned to?

Let’s start with your physical appearance.

Yesterday, when I saw you, I saw that you’ve curled your hair. I’m not even sure it’s curled or you just let a herd of goats shit on your head. Jamil, it’s not fine please. I loved your hair when it was skin and I know it’s no longer about what I like, but as someone who once loved you, I’m begging you to take it off.

Second, I remember that one of the reasons you broke up with me was that you thought I was very dramatic. You said I talk as if I am constantly on a Nollywood set. Okay now, please if I’m dramatic Jamil, what do you call that restless Bonga fish you had on your arm yesterday. That girl is not your type please. It’s one thing to try to get someone to step into my huge shoes (because I’m irreplaceable), and it’s another thing to replace me with someone who cannot even pronounce the make of the shoes she’s about to step into.

Another thing,  Jamil, is the easy way you now swear. Did you recently receive a revelation that the F-word would soon finish in the market? Why are you then using swear words to punctuate and accentuate? That’s not who you are at all at all. I remember you even telling me not to say ‘hell’ and when I said ‘heck’, you said ‘There’s no difference between both of them as long as you mean to swear.’ I really don’t know how a person can change within a short span of 7months

This next one makes me very sad. It is the way you treated Aunty Fali when she came to serve your table.  Yes, in the past, Aunty Fali has shown us her crazy sides and she has shown us that her brain can be detached from itself sometimes,  but remember that we used to make jokes and laugh with her.

Remember that day when she sat us down and told us all about her husband and how he maltreats her. Remember when we both promised to treat her with kindness even when she talks rudely to us. Remember when we even saved up to pay her son’s school fees? Jamil, me I don’t understand you again at all. If you see the way you shouted at her when she forgot to bring the Cow Tail pepper soup to your table. Cow Tail pepper soup, Jamil! You don’t even like it like that! Hmm.


Another thing I feel I must bring to your notice even though it’s somehow embarrassing is the tummy you’ve added. You know you’re thin shebi? Have you forgotten your nickname from Sunny? J-crow. Because you are lanky like a scarecrow. Now your tummy is as if you rented it out as drum to put cold drinks inside. And I’m actually sure that it’s the beer and late night eating up and down that has caused this. I’m so sorry for you Jamil.


Anyway, based on everything I just pointed out now, do you like the person you’ve become? You can send the answer via your normal subliminal messages on twitter. I don’t care.

I’m happy you broke up with me sha. Let me continue doing my dramatic Nollywood life. I like myself that way.

You, on the other hand, continue with your drum belly and Bonga fish girlfriend. We will meet in paradise.



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