5/9

Book, 

It’s the month of Independence and the sixth month of my pregnancy. 

Wow!

I never ever thought I’d make it this far but here I am. I look very pregnant (for my size)
This month has been a month of openness for me. There is no more hiding. I can no longer hide my pregnancy; no longer hide my emotions; no longer hide my swollen feet; no longer hide my thoughts even. Everything has come bare. 
Now, I talk about baby things with anyone who would care to listen and with such confidence that I’m sure they feel filthy towards their judging hearts. 
I got closer and closer to God. I really like my daughter, Iyanuolwa. Since last month when I decided to truly welcome her, she has taken me on a spiritual journey. I have opened up my heart to God; received His forgiveness and accepted his love. I can say that I am happy. 

Sometimes I get sad though. I think about the future and I get scared and sad. I am thinking, ‘what would happen to Iyanuoluwa when she grows up?’, ‘What would I say to her if she asks to explain the circumstances of her birth?’, ‘Who would be the father figure in her life?’, ‘How long do I have till my parents can no longer take care of her?’, ‘How would I confidently tell her to not make the same mistake I made?’ 

All these question; they plague my mind. 

Charles called this month. I was so shocked to hear his voice because I didn’t think he’d ever let me find him again. He said he was sorry for everything; for leaving me like that. He said he’s not that kind of man but that Satan made him do what he did. Then he said he just wanted to tell me that he met a lady (he used the word ‘lady’), and that he has told her about me and the situation and that she still loves him and they are ready to marry. I swallowed the saliva in my throat and said, ‘That’s okay Charles. I don’t want to be married to someone that obeys what the devil tells him; even the stupid ones. I forgive and release you. Marry, be fruitful, multiply and never contact me again‘ And I cut the phone. I feel like I made a wrong decision in my choice of words because Iyanu might still need to know who her father is. 

It’s weird that I will give birth to Iyanu next year. It feels too far. But it is just three months away. I have pictured her face over and again. I pray she looks nothing like her father, but even if she does, I already love her. 

Haha! I sound like a mother. God!