Making Friends Everywhere

I always pray for those scammers to call me. Sometimes, I practice to myself what I’ll say to them and how I’ll handle the situation. But nothing prepared me for the encounter I had this morning when one of them called me.

I was just preparing to go out and I was late. I was rushing; spraying perfume, and buckling my belt when the call came in. I slid to answer and stuck the phone between the nook of my shoulder and cheek. ‘Hello?’  I said.

‘Hi, Good morning. Am I speaking with Rolake?’ a crisp feminine voice replied.

Yes, this is Rolake. Who am I speaking with please?’ I replied, locking the door to my room and walking out to the street.

This is Funke from GTB customer care service. How are you doing?’

I’m very well. Thanks.’ I smiled as I waved at my neighbor. I was glad I was on the phone; the girl talks too much.

Alright, so from your student savings account, we can see that you have less than N20,000. We want to know if you’d like for us to invest in it for you. If we invest in it, you may make up to N40,o00 every week. We just need you to give the bank permission to access your funds. We would request for some of your non-sensitive bank details, and the rest would be history’ she said, sounding sure.

Immediately I heard those words, I had an exciting hunch. I looked at the number that called me and realized that it was a mobile number, not a landline. it had not struck me in all the haze. Interesting, I thought, Finally, the con people have arrived at my name on their target list.

I smiled and said, ‘Thank you Funke. I wouldn’t ask the normal questions people ask when they catch a fraudster; I bet you’ve heard them over and again from your unsuccessful and wiser targets. Questions like: what branch are you calling from? So what do you need from me? Why can’t you access my account directly from your office? Why do I need to provide you my internet banking and card details?  Do you think I’m stupid? Are you stupid?’ 

She coughed. I laughed and continued. ‘Like I was saying. I wouldn’t ask those question because I’ve heard the viral call recordings and I know the answers. I have just one question for you: would you like to work for real cash?’

She said she did not understand what I meant and that she was indeed calling from the bank. I tsked and said, ‘Alright then Funke. It was nice speaking with you. No,  I do not give you access to my account. Bye’

She stopped me quickly and said, ‘Madam. Sorry.’ She paused and said something under her breath. Then she continued, ‘ I wouldn’t be doing this if I did not need money. You were talking about real cash?’

I smiled. ‘Your boss is not treating you right shey?’  I asked.

Yes, he isn’t o’ she replied a little relieved.

Whenever you make a huge cut, he takes about what? 80% and shares the rest with you guys?’ I ask.

Ahahn… that would make him a nicer man than he is. He takes 95% and shares 5% with us’  She said.

Ah! Oya wait, let me call you back so you don’t use your credit finish’ I said and she laughed.

Tufia! Me? Use my credit for this business? Maybe it’s when I die that they will drag the phone from my corpse hands and then use my credit to continue this business. Babe, let’s continue talking jare. It’s company money’

I laughed as I boarded the bus. ‘Isn’t anybody beside you that can hear you right now?’  I was concerned.

She said there was no one beside her and that they gave them each a separate room. Apparently, they believe that it’s easier to tell more believable lies when you’re alone. They also have weird rules like; mirrors are banned from the workplace (presumably to ensure that no one, in the process of scamming, sees the monster they are becoming and repent there and then), you must use your real name because your tongue had become more accosted to it; signing into the office at the beginning of the day is done by swearing an oath by.. wait for it… the Bible! while signing out is done by swearing an oath by the Quran. The oath basically says that they will never sabotage the work of the company.


Funke and I gisted a little longer until I arrived at the place where I was being expected, and saw the angry faces of the people waiting for me. Later this afternoon, she sent me a text with her real mobile number. Opening the text, I smiled when I saw what it said: Madam who does not want to double her 20k. I hail o. Abeg send details of how to make real cash. – Funke 


Well… I have been told I’m a friendly person. 🙂

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