Stoned Thoughts

Day 4

Imagine that your protagonist has just turned into a statue. Describe his or her thoughts.

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23rd July 2016

SUNRISE NEWSPAPER

…where the sun never sets.

WONDER – On the 22nd day of July 2016 at Iganmu bus stop, Magodo, Lagos, the strangest thing was witnessed by over 70 spectators including vendors and commuters in the vicinity. It was a fine morning in the Magodo area of Lagos state – you’d probably see a woman dragging her child to school; a Benz swishing by,  because that’s what Benz-es do – they swish by; a couple of people standing by the bus stop ati bee bee lo.

It was then that a certain man who has now been identified as Dodade the popular poet had gotten down from his vehicle to ease himself by the side of the road (an offense punishable by N20k or N50k or N500k or God – depending on what is written on the wall of the pee spot). Onlookers say that a sudden wind blew through Iganmu bus stop at about that time. It was a wind so strong that it carried bags and almost lifted danfos. A fine day suddenly became chaotic and everyone began running zig-zagedly trying to find a most suitable hiding place from this mysterious wind.

It wasn’t until about 30 minutes after the wind incident that many recognized a new statue in the place where Dodade had been – it was basically him carved in stone –  peeing. The most interesting part of this is that there is now a fountain of water in the place where the urine is supposed to be. And the warning on the wall which says ‘DO NOT URINATE HERE OR ELSE SOMEONE WILL IMPREGNATE YOUR WIFE AND THAT SOMEONE WILL NOT BE YOU’ was no longer on the wall, but had become a plaque arranged nicely under the statue.

One of the thousands of people who initially  gathered around the mysterious statue swears that he saw the statue’s eyes move. But no one else has corroborated this assertion.

The Federal Ministry of Environment has since placed crime scene tapes round the statue and will tase anyone who comes closer than allowed. Meanwhile, many religious and scientific explanations have sprung up,  trying to make sense of this.

A representative (who asked not to be named) of the Federal Ministry of Tourism told SUNRISE Newspaper that ‘even though this is a curious occasion, we at the ministry are excited about it. As we speak,  all the big big (sic) people in the Ministry are discussing how best to milk this.’ Then almost like an afterthought he added, ‘Of course, for the benefit of Nigeria’ 

SUNRISE newspaper will keep you updated. Meanwhile follow us on Twitter @sunriceandbeans and on Facebook ‘Sunrise Newspaper’ for more info.

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Hey there,

So, because we created Dodade, we have access to his statue thoughts. Here they are:

–This is definitely not my immortalization plan 

-Where is all this water coming from anyway? 

-How is it that I’m made from dust, yet stone feels far too alien to me?

-A joke about being high on weed is coming to mind but I’m too stoned to pin it down. 

-Yo! If I die like this, does it mean I’m stoned to death?

-Of all disgraceful things to be captured doing. This is what my children will remember me for. Oh wait, I can’t have children anymore. 

-I am a crime scene. And I’m not even dead yet. Mama I made it! 

-At least I wore my best shoe today. Thank God!

-This must definitely be a dream. Or a writer’s imagination. I must be living a cuckoo writer’s imagination 

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I have decided that I hate these prompts – they demand so much! Ugh! I also hate David Rotimi, for pushing me too hard. Hate is a strong word, I know.