1/9

Dear… Book,

I don’t even know where to begin. Life is not normal; I just realized that today. It looks normal but it isn’t. The person sitting next to you on a bus might have just lost her father. 

Everyone in my room is happy right now. Today is Bisola’s birthday and her boyfriend bought her three cakes and some gifts. There’s some mild alcohol too and people are trooping into my room.

Someone (Kayinsola) just asked me why and what I’m writing. She said ‘be forming serious there o. What is she even writing?’ I’m trying to smile small. But I can’t even force it. 

Can you see that I can’t even say what is wrong with me?! 

If I write it, I fear that it might become true. But it is true. There’s nothing truer than it. 

i am pregnant. 

OMG! I know… 

I don’t even know what to do. I’m so confused. 20 year old, black young woman is pregnant. What would I do? 

Nobody but me, the doctor and the baby(?) inside me know. Not even the father. 

How did I find out? Law school is in October. Registration has started. We need our medical registration done in school. And so I decided to go do mine. Urine test came out today. Normally, we don’t get to see the doctor until the final stage of the registration. But when I arrived at the Urine-blood place, they said, my results were transferred to the doctor. 

The doctor was/is a kind man with a gentle face. This was how the conversation played. 

‘Good afternoon sir. My name is Faith and I was directed here by a nurse. She said you want to see me concerning my blood and urine test’ 

‘Oh! Sit down please. Faith Ayoola?’ 

‘Yes sir‘ (I was very scared)

‘Okay. Good. How are you doing today? You look happy.‘ He smiled warmly 

‘Erm… I fine I guess. I’m just a little nervous right now. Is it bad news?‘ 

‘Oh. Don’t be. Just some news‘ he placed his hands between his chin and then took them down to the table. ‘Do you know you’re pregnant?‘
That was how I found out. He said I’m in the second month of the pregnancy. 6th week; to be precise. 
I am very scared and I don’t know what to do; who to tell. I have not even cried. I am too worried to cry. I just realized that it is possible to be too worried to cry. My brain has been working to the point of exhaustion. 
Charles. How do I tell him? What do I tell him? When? Will he tell me to get rid of the baby? If he does, what would my answer be? Do I want to get rid of the baby? 

God! I’m having a baby????????? 

Mom and Dad – I can’t even think of them right now. 

They are giving me champagne to drink. Tola says, ‘Drink now or never. You know how expensive this thing is’ 

I say no. Not because I don’t want to drink. Because people don’t drink when they are pregnant. 

Wow.
I will write every month for 9 months in this book; whatever my decision is. 

I am very scared.