My Baby’s Baby

Yesterday was a very stressful day for me. From beginning to the end. Before I found out that my husband was cheating on me, I had woken up with a terrible headache and I discovered that I had drooled all over the pillow. Stripping the pillow off its case, my eyes caught the corner where my husband keeps his laptop bag. Empty.

I dropped the pillow case and pick up my phone to call him.

Hello?’ He said.

Hey baby. Where are you?’ 

Good morning to you too. I left. I’m almost at work sef’  he replied.

Oh? Okay? Did you wake me up?’ I asked.

Nahh.. I was rushing.’

You were rushing? When has that ever been… you know what? Never mind.  It’s okay. Have a great day and make sure you have breakfast. Do you want anything specifically for dinner?’

Thanks. No. Anything you prepare is fine. Bye’

He cut the call.

I sat on the bed thinking whether I was the crazy petty one. Are the hurt and betrayal I feel a little too over-the-top for his single act of not waking me up before he left the house? I mean, he had a bath and he dressed up but couldn’t give me a little nudge.  And then, is it okay for me to even feel angry because he could not tell that I was angry? I said ‘never mind’. I don’t say ‘Never mind’ and mean it. Who says ‘Never mind’ and then expect you to actually never mind? I mean, I know our pre-marriage counselor said, ‘Assumption is the mother of  destruction’.  But come on! Never mind???? That’s too obvious. And then he was the one who said bye and cut the phone. Like he had any right to do that! Normal men would be begging for my forgiveness. But no, not my dear husband.

By the time I finished ruminating over tiny details, I looked at the time and realized that my lateness to work was going to be unavoidable. I rushed as fast as I could and got ready. I hurt my ankle in the process and kind of did my make up on a slightly wet face and then I had a horrible natural hair day.

‘Kuku kill me’ was the right background chant.

When I got to work, I was given the honor of firing two of our associates because it had been agreed upon that the last partner to arrive work would do the dirty job. I called both of them to my office; figuring that a strong bond of friendship between two people may after all arise from this horrible thing I was about to do.  It was tougher because they hadn’t done anything wrong. The department was just overcrowded and they were the most quiet staff. It’s harder to fire someone if they’re all up in your face.

Both of them practically broke down when I told them. They went on and on about how ‘they beg me in God’s name’ and started telling me all the personal problems in their lives only money could solve. I was too confused and depressed to give any mentorly advice. I simply squandered that moment to be a good person and told them to ‘Please. It’s out of my hands really. I have a meeting in 5′

When they left, I picked up my phone (because technology is usually the best way to avoid human humane feelings). I opened my Whatsapp and saw that a strange number had sent me pictures. I opened the chat and what I saw made me lose my vision for a while. I must have blinked like a hundred times. I was hyperventilating. I looked at the Air Conditioner in the room and for a while, I thought it looked dusty. I then observed that it was LG. ‘How did I never know that my AC was an LG product?’ I thought. Well, apparently, the same reason why I never suspected that my husband was into taking candid nude photos and oh… yes, a sex tape as well. Not with me. No. With maybe the photographer? The videographer?

And no, this was not before he met me. He’s wearing the watch I bought for him last week so yeah.

With shaky fingers, I typed ‘Who are you??? Who is this???’

She, the sender, sent a rolling-my-eyes emoticon and said, ‘Ma’am, ask rational questions. Like I’ll tell you who I am. El oh El’ 

El oh El? What did that mean?

I replied her, ‘I’m confused. What is this???? Who are you???? Tell me. Please. ????’

She replied, ‘What is this? Wow!  I guessed things were bad with your husband but I didn’t suspect they were this bad. Well, ma’am, these are pictures of your husband’s naked body. OBVIOUSLY, taken by his mistress. Or one of his mistresses. I don’t know how many we are. Oops! I already said too much. Anyway, I thought to just cheer you up. I hope it made your day good. I mean, it’s a little sexy if you think about it. Your husband’s naked pictures. LOOOL. Bye!’ 


For some reason, my husband has not come home till today. He is not dead because his phone keeps ringing; sometimes, he cuts it when I call incessantly at a stretch.

For some reason, my husband is smart.

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