Still Trying To Know Me

It’s incredible how I can both be tough and not tough

Like boiled egg? Hard on the outside, soft on the inside?

No, not really. More like Mango – occasionally soft, occasionally hard.

It confuses me, walahi.

Like that time in Secondary school when I was told that my seat mate died.

We weren’t best friends but we had our moments.

My whole class was weeping; crying; mourning.

And there I was, looking at them, feeling nothing but pity for the family of the girl.

I was not sorrowful. I figured she was dead and gone. Why cry over someone who doesn’t need your tears?

Everyone said I was a super cold person.

I nodded and said, ‘I’m super rational is all.’

But then the very next week, I watched a lizard get electrocuted by the boys in my class.

And I bent my head and wept to the soundtrack of the laughing boys.

I just don’t get it.

Yet another time, my boyfriend broke up with me.

I probably loved him more than I loved myself at that time.

But when he said those meant-to-be hurtful words,

I searched for pain and I couldn’t find it.

I tried to listen to sad songs but they just made me bored.

I simply carried on with life and I really wasn’t pretending about my emotional state.

But then the week before, I had gotten so emotional when my call was put on ‘waiting’ the two times I called him

And I had wept like a child when he did not call or text me that night.

I really don’t get it.

I pity people who try to get to know me

Because I’m still trying to know me

And there’s only one thing I can assure both of us –

We’ll always be in for a rude shock.