Erm… Wait, What?


Feb 16

The clock

Write about anything you’d like. Somewhere in your post, include the sentence ‘I heard the car door slam and I immediately looked at the clock’

September 9, 2015. 

High Court, Ikeja

‘Please state your name for the court records’

‘Elisa Elizabeth Eli’

Would you swear by the Bible or Quoran?’

‘Are you kidding me? Did you hear any of my names?’

‘That was unnecessary. Hand her the Bible. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth’

‘Yes. Yes and Yes. God bears me witness that I do not swear. But the truth is innate in me’

‘Alright then. Miss Elisa, where were you on the 23rd of March 2015?’

‘A lot of places’

‘List them please’

‘My house on 34 Kanbi street, Ikeja. By the way, it’s MY own house. I bought it some months back when I struck a really good deal on these hairs I sell. Other girls would have bought cars and…’

‘Continue answering the question please’

‘Okay. My house, then Idumota market, then his house, after which I left to go back to my house. Oh, let the records shows that I pointed to the accused when I  said, ‘his house’. Okay?’

‘That’s okay. What were you doing in his house?’

‘Haha. What was I doing? I’m his on and off fiancé’

‘Can you tell us what happened when you got to his house?’

‘Well, he wasn’t around, so I let myself in. I have a spare key to everywhere – even to his car. I have a spare key to his heart also (me and many other women) as the main key is with mother Anyway, it was an impromptu decision, but I started making plans to surprise him. I started cooking and baking and playing music and running a bath and all. Then I heard the car door slam and I immediately looked outside to see him walking toward the house in a really blood-stained shirt. Then I immediately ran outside and asked him what happened. He slapped me to the ground like a possessed demon and kept walking. ’ 

‘Wow. Are you sure of this?’

‘Absolutely. Why wouldn’t I be? I saw him panting like he had just dragged a dead body across a highway all by himself’

‘Wow. So immediately the car door slammed, you looked at the accused and ran outside to meet him?’

‘Yes sir’

‘And he also slapped you?’

‘Yup. Isn’t that terrible?’

‘With what hand did he use to slap you?’

‘His left hand’

‘Interesting. Miss Elisa, would you mind telling this court your age?’

‘This is the part where you object, Mr Prosecutor! How relevant is this? Anyway, I’m 28 years old’

‘Alright. the defence presents evidence to strike out the testimony of this witness, Miss Elisa, to prove with three examples that she is an unreliable witness who is incapable of sticking to one story… and in fact, to the truth. First, Miss Elisa is 32 years old as documented in her birth certificate here presented as an exhibit. Second, on the night in question, the accused’s left hand was all bandaged up in POP and could not have possibly slapped her with it because he could barely even move it. He had driven homr with his right hand. And third, there are discrepanices in her written testimony and with the testimony she gave in court today.  She had earlier today, said to this honourable court that once she heard the car door slam, she immediately looked outside and saw the accused after which she ran outside to him, but in her written testimony, she reported and I quote, ‘I know all of these happened exactly at 11:30pm on the 23rd of March, because I heard the car door slam and I immediately looked at the clock… that’s how I know’. In light of this, I submit that this honourable court strike out and disregard every testimony provided or to be provided by Miss Elisa, as she’s been proven to be unreliable, bias and dangerously erratic in deciding the fate of this innocent man’

‘Hahaha. Wow. Lawyer! That was actually good. Take clap… But may God not punish you because you sef you know that you’re defending a very guilty man. Every woman lies about their age when they reach 30… who doesn’t know that?! Abeg joor.. God punish all of you!’

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