The Diary of the Groom


 Dear Ademi Diary,

 Baby, I don’t know why you’re making me write to a diary when what I really just want to do is talk to you about this. But if you would rather read what I have to say, then I guess I’d be an Achebe for you.

I know a lot of questions are running through your mind. And I know that you’re at war as to whether I was ever genuinely in love with you or whether I was just a sham of a man.

First of all, I’d like to say that I’m sorry for not showing up at OUR wedding. I put the emphasis already because I can imagine you reading it out to Adewa and saying it like that.

Second of all, I asked Ebuka, and he said we’re still married. He said that the law already sees us as a legally married couple albeit married under customary law. But still, baby, we’re husband and wife. And that gives me cheer sheer cheer joy.

Ademi, you know that I’m better at saying things than at writing them… but I’ll try my best.

 Before I got your text yesterday night, I kept thinking of a million reasons to give you as to why I didn’t show up at the church.

Tunji said to tell you that I developed cold feet, but we both know that would never fly. I mean, who gets cold feet minutes before their dream becomes a reality.

David said to tell you that I was drugged and I woke up just yesterday night. But David is a drunk and those type of things only happen in his world. (Although, fight aside, shebi that’s the smartest thing David has ever said?)

Bisi said that you’d be very very very very very mad at me. She said that that singular act I did would most likely ruin your life forever and that I shouldn’t even offer any apologies. She said what I should offer is my head; because I deserve to die. I kinda agree with her.

Risky Bugs said I should tell you that I was purging. I told him that your joke of the old man with the bucket. Told him I would end up like that man if I told you that.

Prince told me to tell you that I discovered I got pregnant. When he realized that I did not find it funny he said, ‘Ehn, oya tell her that as you were heading out, you decided to just try your shoki in the mirror. Then, in horror, you shamefully realized how terrible you looked dancing it. Then you thought of your undying love for your bride-to-be and contrasted it with the embarrassment she was sure to face if the DJ played any shoki song and the crowd, by some random demon-controlled consensus began to chant ‘Jide! Shoki!’. Surely, Demi must understand this line of thought’. But Prince is Prince… you already know.

 I’m sure your reply to all these cool stories is; ‘How about you tell me the truth?’ Well, yeah… I would, but I don’t exactly know how you’ll take it.

 How do I put this?

Just before I headed out. I was already leaving the house.  Err…. Sule said I had a call and then it was

Arrrgh… goddamn this writing business. Ademi, your parents called me and told me that they were withdrawing their support, blessings and all. They said they had explained to you and that although you were furious, you understood the reasons. Then they said they were actually putting it mildly; that you had locked yourself in the bathroom and you were bawling like an evil spirit. They said it was a ‘family and spiritual issue’. They said not to try calling you because you had switched off your phone( I tried calling you but your phone was really and truly switched off. I tried every other day too. Same thing). They said that they had called the pastor and had told him about the development.

It really threw me off balance but I knew it was going to be more difficult for you. All the while your phone was still switched off, I could only pray and hope that you hadn’t done something horrible to yourself. Your parents weren’t picking my calls either. And when I called Adewa, she simply said she couldn’t talk with me and hung up.

 To be honest, I was a little mad at you because I felt like you put me in the dark and didn’t even consider how the whole thing affected me also.

 But then you sent me that (not-so-nice) text, and I knew something was up…

 Only Prince knows about this. Others think I stood you up.

For record purposes: I know that there were some things I also did not do right (like try to visit you and throw stones at your window) but you must know that I would NEVER hurt you and that I would NEVER do anything to make you sad… at least not on purpose.

Baby, there are just too many people crowding our relationship and vicariously ‘helping’ us ruin it (I mean, there’s Grace with the Igbo British accent… sorry :D).

Which is why I suggest… *drum rolls* ‘LET’S ELOPE!’

 Please think about it and call me. We should talk face to face though… abeg.

 P.S. As you think about it, think about the fact that we’re already legally married, wife.

                                                                                                           Yours truly sorry,
The Husband.

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