Who’ll Write My Own Story?


11 March


If you could have any author – living or dead- write your biography, who would you choose?


Well, my laziness has caused me to lose this spot. I’m not an ‘author’ strictly speaking so I cannot fill this position. If I were an author, I would auto-matically have volunteered to write my own biography – no pun intended. Oh, what? You don’t see any pun? Okay…


For real though, it’s a no-brainer that I’ll go for Sidney Sheldon – anytime and any day. Dude’s my best author forever. Like someone on Twitter said, ‘Sidney Sheldon books are un-putdown-able’. He’s probably the best bet I have to turn this living I call life into a super thrilling novel. I can just imagine the New York Times (or any of those other bodies or people who review books) review of my biography! ‘Intense! Sheldon remains the cynosure for all writers fit to be called writer’

And then, other reviews; ‘Sheldon has proven himself again to be the miracle worker of not just fiction, but also non-fiction. Took a barely interesting story and made us lick the pages like dogs waiting for the next dry bone to suckle on. Way to go Sheldon!’

Or, ‘Wow. Just wow. The master is at it again. I’d like Sheldon to write the story of my life too. Who knows? Maybe even the boring bits may turn into some conspiratorial scheming with a grand plan!

Then, even those people who are always stingy with words when reviewing may say, ‘Sheldon, always a bellwether’ OR ‘Unparagoned.’

Whatever category of reviewer reviews my Sheldon-written biography, I’m sure they’ll have something awe-some to say. (LOL… I just said ‘Thank you Mr. Sheldon’, in my head)


Oh, and for the skeptics and judgmental people already judging me for not using an African Writer, I’m so sorry. But if  I use Chimamanda, I fear that she’ll over-describe my life. Her writing is really microscopic in its approach – very detailed, in my opinion. She might write something like, ‘Her nose was as wide as the circumference of a haphazardly broken coconut plucked from her mother coastal village near the borders of Nigeria. Her eyes were as large as that of the Okporopo fish you would normally see flies perching on at Iyana-Ipaja market. Her head could not even take an average sized Ankara wrap, like her other friends’ could. She would always take out one whole yard of DaViva just to wrap up her big head.’ So abeg, no.

Speaking of contemporary authors, I’m thinking of my favorite poet guy – Poetolu (IG: @poetolu). If he writes my biography, he’ll over simplify it for me. He’ll just go:

‘Life is lived, loved and lost’

And that’s what Ayope intended to do

She lived like she was certain of death

Loved like Alani’s life depended on it

And lost like she had nothing to win’

So, no abeg, I don’t want.


Sidney wins.

But we’re talking humans here. Eventually, if I really had to choose an author to write the story of my life, I’ll choose the Author and Finisher of My Faith; Lord Jesus. He’s perfect and so I can trust Him to write the most perfect life story for me.

Sorry Sidney, God wins.


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