Ehud Gera

Prompt:
Feb 18
Far from Normal

Many of us think of our lives as boringly normal, while others live the high life. Take a step back and take a look at your life as an outsider might. Now tell us six unique, exciting or just plain odd things about yourself. 

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Hey! My name is Ehud Gera and you most likely have never heard or read about me. I feature in Judges 3:15-28 of your Holy Bible. And yes, I was not the most popular character even when those historic times were called ‘today’. I mean, take a look at King David, Solomon after him, even King Saul! Those guys lived la vida loca. But the prompt says to take a step back and talk about 6 potentially ‘wow-ing’ things about ourselves so here goes:

1. I’m a southpaw: Yes! Yours truly is left handed. I know it does not seem like a lot now but then, it was so significant that it was recorded in the Bible. My father tried to correct it declaring that it was a demonic spirit in me, but I soon showed him that I was not in anyway ‘demon possessed’. In trying to get him to see that I was merely a young boy like the rest, I learned to carve wood, to work with iron, to play the trumpet (which was not really a big deal then) and to fight. They used to call me The Crafty Gera, which brings me to the next point.

2. I am a smooth talker: I can talk my way through anything. Let me tell you, smooth talking is not so much in the words you say, but in the way you’re composed. I learned to show confidence without seeming suspicious very early because I was a big prankster. Oh, how I loved my pranks! Humans are naturally paranoid such that they don’t even trust the truth, and so it takes a certain level of professionalism to visit a whole King ( The Fat King, King Eglon), and with a sole intent to kill him, successfully present myself in the most believable way as a prophet of God. In those days not anyone could just go ahead to see the King. I passed through every stage and finally got to see the King. With the murder weapon pressing coldly against my right side, I opened my mouth and changed my countenance to that of a prophet. It was so believable that when I finally told the King that I needed to tell him the word of God to him, he asked all his guards and palace officers to leave the room. Which brings me to the next point.

3. I am probably faster than speed! I had to learn this also when I was younger. Having to dodge the rod and run through the tenements of my neighborhood with my father chasing after me. Oh, and you also need extreme swiftness for awesome  pranking. Like with that King, it took me not up to a second to switch out the tiny dagger I had made and stick it into his fat fat fat belly. Also, once I escaped from that room, I ran so fast that by the time his officers found his body, I was far gone into Seirah. Good times :’)

4. I am fluid: It’s what I like to call it, but it’s an ancillary to the previous point. If you’re fast but noisy, the efficacy of your fastness would be shrouded by your clumsiness. Me? I’m as light on my feet as a dancer (not these turbulences you people call dancers these days though). My mother always said ‘Ehud can take the hemah from the venom of a viper and slip it into your drink all while you raise the cup to your lips and you wouldn’t know!’ Hehe. It’s how I escaped from the heavily guarded palace of the King that day; shutting the door ever so lightly and tiptoeing ever so confidently. 

5. I have good gag reflex: For those who do not know, gag reflex is the impulsive reaction of your gut to irritating situations or feelings. So for those who throw up easily, their gag reflex is not-tight and for the others, well, vice versa. I belong to the vice versa group. I realized early that you can’t be a successfully mischievous devil if you keep leaving trails of your vomit around the place. You have to learn to suck up and let your guts follow you, not the other way round like you people say. It’s how I was able to walk out of that palace room. After I had to face the disgusting experience of the king’s belly fat swallowing up my dagger, I watched my 14.5cm dagger drop down from his behind along with other wastes. Ugh. Thank God for a tight gag reflex!

6. I am Ehud Gera: You know, writing these 5 points above just made me realize that I’m pretty different and interestingly unique from the other people I know – the same way king Solomon was different from his father King David and David from his predecessor King  Saul. I am Ehud Gera and that should be enough to wow you! I’m unique, exciting, sometimes odd, sometimes boring, sometimes fun, sometimes funny. And hey! I got mentioned in the Holy Bible! C’mon! *breakdances to the sound of my uniqueness*